I know that this is an art blog, and i should be posting art, but today I feel like writing.
My life is not bad at the moment, in fact, it's better than many people's situation and by all rights I should be content. For the most part, I am. Yet I have been experiencing lapses of unhappiness consistently for the past couple of weeks. I have fallen sick over the past week, and in those few days, a deep loneliness passed through me. Here I am, just like everyone else: a student pursuing a craft that requires great dedication that I do not feel I can keep up, pursuing a future in an uncertain industry, and unsure of my own abilities. I have moved out for the school year, having to spend most of my time trying to find time to make balanced meal and exercise, while rushing through projects that I never seem satisfied with. My relationships with others are wonderful, I thought, but why do I still feel uneasy and frustrated?
I think the thing that is (and, upon reflection, has always been) causing me unhappiness is the fact that I do a lot of things that I don't want to, or don't necessarily mind doing, but is not exactly happy to do it. I don't want to paint myself up as a great and noble and self-sacrificing person, I am certainly not, and I think many people do the same. But I tend to sacrifice a lot of my own pleasure if it means that I can make someone else happy. Ironically, that "someone else" excludes my family members. Perhaps my relationship with my family is most mature because I would actually allow myself to express displeasure if I am following their wishes instead of my own. I think that, to this day, I am still afraid to be seen as selfish or unaccommodating, and subsequently, disliked. I never thought that I will need to deal with this aspect of myself. In fact, I know that I used to be worse, and I have improved much in that area. But still, over the past few months, living in a new place, smiling and saying "it's ok" even if things around the house really irritated me, or, having run into relationship problems, smiling and saying "it's no big deal, I'm just being stupid" even if they were a big deal to me...I think all of these things are adding up and causing me emotional stress.
The problem is that, there are lots of people around me who are less accommodating, but are still generally decent and kind. But they won't do something that they don't feel like doing, and they won't put up with shit. When they interact with me, they have no way of knowing that I am feeling upset or frustrated when I smile and say "it's ok" because if it's them, they would not have said that if they did not mean it. Maybe subconsciously, I hope to receive the same kind of care from the people closest to me, and when they make "selfish" choices instead of being accommodating towards me, I feel as though I have put out more than I have received. That I am being taken advantage off. I feel like I am always the understanding one, the "yes" girl. And I hate being so petty and mentally keeping score because strong friendships should never be about give and take. So in then end, I think that this problem is my fault and I need to be the one to take action to solve it, and not expect others to change. But still, I crave understanding and acceptance from those around me, that even though this IS my problem and my fault for not saying "no", that they may be more aware of my internal struggle.
Another thing is, I think that each time I decide to do something that I don't want to do, knowing that it would make someone else happy, I am genuinely willing to make that decision. I enjoy making others smile, and I gain pleasure from that. I think that whenever someone simply acknowledges what I am doing for them: taking a moment to say "thank you" and such, I feel so much better. A feeling I hate is being taken for granted, even though on principle I should be doing things without expecting anything in return (unconditional care/love?) But like I've said before, I haven't reached that state yet, so for now, this is how I am.
I think what hurts the most is when on some occasion, not all the time, I feel like I don't receive the same consideration in return. But sometimes maybe I don't see that someone IS giving but, in their own way or "language" and not in my own. It's hard to explain, it's like, if I feel that giving others chocolate is a great sacrifice, and no one has chocolate for me, then I feel like I have gotten nothing, but meanwhile someone may have been giving me their precious pencils to use for drawing, and I just kind of take them but don't recognize the value in these pencils because I am used to giving people chocolate. The currency is different, and maybe one thing I have to do is learn to see the different currencies in friendships/relationships.
Even just writing the past two paragraphs have me thinking that "hey, maybe I'm overeacting and complicating things" And maybe I am, BUT here is another problem that I notice. Whenever I get upset or down, and then, analyzing the situation, I always end up downplaying my feelings and rationalizing it. I say to myself "forget it, I'm just PMS-ing" or "I'm being stupid and overeacting." and when I do start a discussion with someone about something that bothers me, I eventually give in because I feel like they mean more to me than the problem, or that I am blowing the problem out of proportion and it's not worth it, and that I am probably being "silly or stupid." But...so what if I am? if something is bothering me, it's obviously important to me, even if it's not apparent to anyone else. I think the first step I have to take is to stop telling myself that I am overeacting and being stupid. Even if I am being those things, these are issues that need to be resolved, and I cannot resolve them if I keep neutralizing them without getting rid of them. It will just pile up and one day, overflow. Like today.
It's funny how last weekend I made a list of goals for 2009, and I had everything there related to career and physical health, and yet, there was nothing about my emotional health. I thought that I had that covered, but now I realise that it is an ongoing maintenance, and just like I cannot neglect physical health, I should also make sure that I am emotionally well.
I think I'm done here. I know it may seem obnoxious to post something like this up in a public forum, but...like I said, I have been feeling quite alone, and just want to be heard in some way. Maybe I hope that you would read this far (showing that, if you know me, you genuinely care, or if you don't know me, you're curious enough about my blog to go into these entries...also not a bad thing.) Maybe I hope that if you do know me, you would gain a better understanding of who I am and how I work. Or perhaps you may see yourself in my situation and can empathize and reflect. These are reasons enough.
So to sum it up for myself, I will work on:
- saying no if I really don't want to do something, regardless of what others think
- but continue giving reasonably, and trusting that you give what you get, and that only by showing love can others learn how to love (I use "love" loosely as an umbrella term for care, respect, etc)
- be more understanding of others and the way they give (their "currency")
and finally, my personal motto in regards to not only my emotional state, but other areas in my life as well:
have faith.
oil hiatus~
3 days ago