New Year's Resolution

I've never really made serious New Year Resolutions before, but I feel that this year is a bit different. Maybe I've never been in a more contemplative mood than I am right now. Maybe this is what they call growing up. Acceptance of responsibilities, losing the desire to hoard, to own, to collect. Asking questions and chasing answers. A wish to reset, and restart. Years ago, or maybe even a year ago, I scoffed at the concept of meditation, reflection, communication, self-awareness, etc, thinking them airy concepts made by presumptuous people who think too much. But the "night changes many thoughts" and looking at the way I live my life, I know I want to change. And it's hard, because I've been so comfortable and complacent, and I liked that feeling. It's hard to tear myself away from familiar things and routines, trusting only in blind faith that what is ahead will be better. Nonetheless, I feel that it's already been set in motion, and I need only the courage and some planning to see it through.

So this year, I resolve to:

- De-clutter my life. To get rid of things I never use, and keep only that which I cannot live without, or that I know can feed my creativity. Old CDs, dvds, books, clothing, toys will be given away, donated, or stored away for future trips through memory lane.

- Take care of myself in all aspects. Work out. Take more bubble baths. Try new things. Pay more attention to that little voice inside me that I've noticed recently that's been guiding me to good decisions.

- Learn to listen. Sometimes my voice, and my opinions or assumptions cloud the way I perceive others and I misjudge them. But most of the time I'm right. Of course. =p

- Take Action. Pretty words and big plans are nice and all, but one of my biggest problems have always been procrastination and complacency, therefore I wish I overcome them and DO more than just TALK.

- Travel. Plans are being made. I need to get away from here for a while for a breath of fresh air.

- Let go of all unnecessary attachments. Mainly, my addiction to the internet. I've already deactivated my facebook account. I recognize that I spend way too much time in front of a computer. I don't want my life to be contained within the space of one monitor. I hope to continue to blog and update anything art-related in certain communities. But definitely no more looking up news on paris hilton or britney spears. I kid I kid!

- Develop real relationships with people. One of the reasons I want to give up msn and facebook. I feel like these tools are too superficial, and it doesn't help people become closer to each other. You can know all the stats and see all the pictures of someone on facebook, and never truly know them. You can chat for hours on msn, but never attain the closeness of a phone or face-to-face conversations. If I want to get to know someone, I think I will make an effort to use the phone or email and meet up in person. And if I already know someone and is close with them, then there is definitely no use for us to communicate through facebook or msn.

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Speaking of detachment, I did a little exercise the other day.

If you had to set out on a journey with one simple bag, and everything you don't take with you will vanish after you leave, what would you put in the bag? (not including water, food, money)

For me it was my favourite perfume, lighter, towel, tissues, soap, toothbrush/paste, shampoo, conditioner, nail clipper, tweezers, hair brush, scrissors, foundation, lotion, lipgloss, pencils, sketchbook, journal, and mp3 player. And if I have room, I may bring my cellphone. I will also wear my warmest clothes and shoes.

And that was that. As I looked around my room, I realise that I love most of the things I own, and I would not willingly want to part with any of my possessions, but I don't need most of them to survive, or even be happy. It certainly put things into perspective for me. I guess it also gives you an idea of the type of person I am, and yes, grooming is THAT important to me.

To be warm, clean, fed and loved, I think a lot of times we take these basic needs for granted. Now I'm not saying that these are or should be my ONLY desires, but sometimes we get so caught up in "bigger" things that we forget to take care of ourselves, we forget to eat properly, to put on that extra layer of clothing, to warm our hearts with laughter, to love ourselves and others. It's something to think about.

What would you put in your bag?

Breaking up is Hard

It started two months ago. No, it started long before that. A nagging feeling in my heart. A sense of unease and wrongness. I had ignored it.

You see, as much as I strive to be self-aware, and as much as I understand the pitfalls of emotions and relationships, I am human, and therefore perfectly capable of lying to myself.

But I have been blessed with some very good friends, and a heart that seems to know what its doing. And it is because I trusted my heart that I went against the currents a few months back, and did what I believed to be right. But despite my convictions, I still had hope that things will be better again. I had faith in my own feelings, and the feelings of another.

But nothing stirred in those two months.

I knew that as long as there is attachment and hope, it cannot be completely over. And so I trusted in my heart again, and went to confront the issue, and brought the whole matter to an end after two months of reflection and uncertainty.

I have not overestimated my feelings, but I had overestimated his.

The funny thing was, although a great sadness had settled into my body, although I wept just as anyone would have, my heart was calm. There was no gripping pain, only stillness. My heart knew, and I knew too, but was afraid to see that this was how it's supposed to turn out. It's painful, and it's difficult, but I had done the right thing.

There are many books and sites dedicated to advice on how to get over a break up, and there is no need for me to regurgitate. What I -have- learned from my experience with relationships are two simple things:

Be true to yourself

You have to trust your heart, and to hold firm to your principles. Learn yourself. Know yourself. Love yourself. Never settle for anything less than what you deserve, and what makes you happy. It's important not to lie to yourself about your feelings and your motives for your actions. Accept them and find a way past it. It was hard for me to face up to some of my motives, because it may not all be pretty. And sometimes it was easier to lie and have a smile on my face and say to myself that I no longer feel anything, than to face the fact that I did. But unless I am honest to myself, these issues can never be resolved. I have also learned that if there are things that you believe in, stick to them no matter what anyone says. "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything." I am glad that there are things I didn't do when I was in the relationship that others may have convinced me otherwise. And I am glad that during and after it was over, I allowed the advice and support of others to comfort and uplift me, but in the end I did only what I believed was best for me.

Be true to others

It is so easy to fall into the trap of imposing an image onto the other person. For me, even though all the signs pointed to something else, I still made myself think that things were different. Basically, I made up excuses for him and tried to twist things around so that I can believe his feelings were stronger than what they really were. This doesn't only apply to breakups, but to ongoing relationships as well. Just as how you shouldn't lie to yourself about your own feelings, you shouldn't lie to yourself about other people's feelings either. See them for who they are. Most of the time, the answer is straightforward and right out in the open, but we are too afraid to face it. Luckily for me, I managed not to let this drag on for too long. I accept the fact that I couldn't help it, I'm not perfect, and it happens to everyone, but I cannot let myself be trapped into it.

So what happens next? I think that every relationship teaches us something about ourselves, if not about other people. And if it's time to move on, it's good to reflect upon the things that you want in a partner, and the things you don't want. This ensures that when you enter a new relationship, you will truly be moving forward. You don't want to repeat the same mistakes or choose someone incompatible. Of course, it's really not necessary to rationalize emotions, and in the end you can't help how you feel, but it's still good to be as self-aware as possible. Maybe I sound ridiculously over-optimistic, but I really believe what I've written. There are no quick fixes and get-them-backs. But there is honesty and love, and faith that as with all things, this too shall pass.

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The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see in truth that you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

- Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet

Scribbles: works in progress

Ah~ sweet freedom! If it's not winter and the middle of a blizzard I would be a tad bit more enthusiastic. But ah well. Since the beginning of the break I have manage to do ALL my laundry (and to give you an idea about how behind I was, I needed 8 hours to finish processing all my dirty clothes. ewwwww!), cleared up 60GBs of hard drive space, and beat that stupid boss in final fantasy 12 that I haven't manage to beat since LAST Christmas (the sad thing is, it's not even the final boss, just a lowly one in the middle of the story.) I'd un-installed World of Warcraft from my PC *gasp* and am set to be MMORPG-free for the rest of my life (let's see how long I last.) I caught up on 3 separate shoujo manga (damn you rei! I'm up to date on parfait tic all because you told me about it lol) and I don't normally even like shoujo. I think I'm off to a good start. The sad thing about this break is that there is pretty much zero Christmas cheer for me this year, and it's my favourite holiday too. I'm too broke to throw a party or go out in general. But it's ok, I'm looking forward to some quiet time to myself, just sketching, learning new techniques, and jotting down new ideas. I feel like I've grown a bit, mentally and emotionally, from the beginning of the school year till now. =) Anyway, I hope everyone is out there and enjoying their breaks!

Characters - stereotypes

I handed in my final character design assignment. This time we revisited the stereotypes and I tried to design a recognizable I.T. guy, gourmet chef, and librarian. I am humbled by the progress in many of my classmate's work, and know that I could have made such progress if I had put a bit more time and effort into all my assignments. I hope I will be able to make bigger improvements in next semester. I notice that one of the biggest problem I have is my inability to translate what I can do in life drawing onto my designs. My imaginative figures are still very stiff, and I lack structure overall. I have to somehow bridge that gap between observational and imagination. I am having more fun with expressions and different shapes for facial features though!

Well with this, my first semester is pretty much over. I won't be uploading anything else from this term, but hopefully I will produce some personal art during the break and post them here as well as on my much-neglected deviantart page.

Layout - 1950s girl's room

I just got this assignment back. We had to draw a kid's room as it would have existed in the 1940-50s. I spent a lot of time on the research/reference, and despite some structural and detailing problems, am happy with the result. Layout is really fun, and I hope to make greater progress in this area next semester.

Well, it's crunch time right now. To do by tuesday: final animation, skeleton test, final storyboards, and final character designs. It's been a non-stop roller coaster ride this term, and I'm certainly looking forward to the Christmas break.

Life Drawings - Step

I felt refreshed today for life drawing. I changed the way I approached the drawing and am finally integrating some sort of structure into it. Hopefully my work will improve as I use this approach and learn more about the skeleton. And I promise that at the end of the semester (which is end of next week) I will try and upload some non-life drawing stuff for variety's sake. To be honest I haven't done anything that I'm enamoured with this term, and I don't think anything is worth uploading. But we shall see.

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Psychobabble

There is me now, and there is the me I want to be. Years ago, I yearned for grand adventures and waited for a greater destiny to take me away from my mundane life. I lived life with little thought to my purpose, only a hope that one day something greater will emerge. I am older now, and I realize that life’s grand adventures are not going to come to me. I have to be the one to start the journey. We are all born with talents, and fated to become something special. We are all born with great destinies. Unfortunately our environment shapes us and binds us, putting us through a mechanized system that reduces us to much less than our potential.

How do I want my life to be? What is my purpose? What do I want to do with this bright but short spark of light that is me? How do I live so that I will have no regrets?

I am bound by fears. I am afraid to be rejected. Of angering others. Of being unloved and abandoned. Of failure. Of discomfort.

I am bound by the system. I am bound by material things.

I do not exercise because I am afraid of discomfort. I do not read because I am afraid of time. I do not develop deeper friendships because I am afraid of being judged if I show myself. I do not develop deeper friendships because I am afraid of judging others if I see them too thoroughly.

I want to be healthy and fit. I want to have meaningful and joyful relationships with my friends and acquaintances. I want to be happy and whole, and not be lonely even when I am alone. I want to travel and see the world. I want to live in the luxury of my own choosing. I want to create beautiful stories and characters. I want to express myself through art. I want to create life through moving images.

I want to make a difference. I want to love fully and deeply without reserve. I want to write a novel. I want to paint a picture. I want to share with others how I feel. I want to believe in magic. I want to see and feel the magic of this world every day. I want to be touched by the wind and the sun and the seas and listen to their stories.

I want to live...I want to live. Am I living?

I want to leave behind unnecessary attachments. I want to be free. I want to understand myself. I want to understand others. I want to be aware of everything around me.

How I live now is of my own making. I am living but not fully alive. I have to let go of my fears. I, and only I, have the power to change my life. I have to know the reason behind my actions, and not merely do as I am told. How do I become a better person? How can I improve? How can I live all aspects of my life and have them come together as a whole?

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to make a choice: to move, or not to move. Most people I see are stagnant, and they live their lives without realising how much more there is beyond stability, security, obedience, and comfort. Other braver souls move, but stop after they hit a wall and need to move backwards, without knowing that moving back only opens up a path that will take them forward again. I want the courage to move, I want the courage to step outside of the box, break free of the system, and live beautifully with an open heart. Right now I am still bound, but I will move slowly, inch by inch, towards the person I want to be.

These words now spill out, like the gentle wind ruffling the silk curtains of an open window. Like the wind, thoughts pass, the curtains still, and all return to its normal routine…